The Casbyness

AVATAR

2009-12-19T00:08:42Z

I sense the hand of Sigourney Weaver in this film. I remember watching documentaries on the making of Aliens where James Cameron pushed the “war” aspect of that movie and encouraged Sigourney to try out an actual machine gun, asking her to admit that loosing off a few rounds didn’t half make her feel cool. Sigourney replied with a wry smile, pointing out that the rush of adrenalin and feeling of immortality were illusions for fools who don’t want to think about the enemy as a human being, or don’t have the forethought to realise that guns are only “fun” if no one else is carrying them.

That’s the first thing I got out of Avatar – the amusement that somehow this film is in some part penance for Aliens. The monsters are prettified and startlingly dissimilar from H R Giger’s nightmare visions, but the reversed perspective is lampshaded heavily throughout Avatar and becomes so blatant during the final scenes that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch Aliens, with the violent, hissing Queen facing down Ripley’s Powerloader again without seeing a little of Neytiri in her. There may even be sadness when Ripley blows her into deep space. Not much (she is a mean ‘ol crone), but perhaps just a little.

It would be an insult to Aliens and the complexity of its plot to say that Avatar represents some sort of cultural evolution from warmongering to environmentalism. The former just isn’t simple enough to call a gung ho macho war movie since it gradually shifts as the story progresses to be some odd deconstruction of the three faces of Eve. However, there is definitely an aspect of Avatar that makes you wonder how deep Sigourney Weaver’s claws were in James Cameron and there’s no doubt that in this new movie we’re fighting for the other side.

The second big thing I saw in Avatar was the obvious tie-in with online gaming. The amusing scene where Jake is being “forced to eat his dinner” before he’s allowed to upload back into his alien body (while simultaneously bad things requiring his full attention are happening around his “other self”) was one embarrassingly familiar and yet particularly moving moment.

The theme played out throughout the entire film and there can be no doubt that at least one person on the writing team understands what it can feel like to be panicked by problems with internet connections while somewhere in an imaginary world, friends and non-existent computer characters are dying in droves solely because one can’t get there to hold the line and rescue them.

The third angle I enjoyed was almost as geeky. I could see how Avatar was designed to get right everything that “Final Fantasy – The Spirit Within” got wrong. It may be a film grounded in pretty CGI. It may be a film whose characters are all but the most recent generation of a computerized family line that stretches back through every video game cut sequence in history, but it’s still a film. It falls in line with outings more palatable to people who don’t spend hours each day shooting little 3D people in a virtual space, like Shrek or Wall-E do. It pushes the envelope a little, but still stands as a very serious attempt to blur the boundaries between mainstream cinema that everyone enjoys while also nudging the greater population a little closer to the sort of visuals that any gamer will be so familiar with that one spends the occasional moment waiting for the cut scene to end so one can get back in direct control of the action. I know this is nerd arrogance, but during a few particularly spectacular scenes I did think to myself “ah, so *that’s* how they’re trying to sugar-coat the visuals to keep all the “other” people engaged and stop them falling asleep”. There is a nice heritage to Avatar, and it owes more to the work of graphics artists of games than it does to Pixar.

Besides these main themes, I was especially impressed that James Cameron resisted any deeply unwise urge to soften the female lead with any form of cartoon dragon, comic relief donkey or any other of countless “funny female companions” that seem only to serve as a foil to a love interest’s emotional intensity. This breed of sidekick is usually a shorthand for “the mystery of woman”, “intuition” or some other feminine quality that (if written well) should be within the female’s own power to unleash upon the typically clueless but loveable male lead. I didn’t expect a Jar Jar archetype (James Cameron is far too savvy for that) but I was worried I’d find a Fizgig or talking animal somewhere and thankfully none ever emerged to detract from the very realistic and well-rounded female Neytiri.

Yes, the plot is played very, very safe so as not to detract from the pretty visual detail. That didn’t bother me at all, it certainly didn’t bother me as much as reviews of the movie that seem to skate around exactly *how* the plot is played safe. It’s simple – the plot is the go-to screenplay of dozens of Hollywood films. Just off the top of my head I can name: The Last Samurai, Last of the Mohicans, Dances With Wolves, Fern Gully and Pocahontas...the list goes on and on. It’s the archetypal guilty conscience story for America and the entire developed western world. Yeah, we know we’re really the bad guys in just about every way that matters, but hey look – we’ve got a heart and deep inside feel bad about what the most powerful people in our societies are doing to you “savages” or whatever we’re calling you these days. We suck, now back to drilling for oil.

And yes, the CGI is amazing. It’s the first CGI I’ve seen where human or near-human characters actually look like all their shoulder and neck muscles are moving like a real persons’. There are no clichéd moments where a character turns around in a startled yet formulaic manner with wide eyes just for the benefit of the audience, and no moments where someone smiles and you can almost hear the Director shouting at the CGI artist that they need to make sure certain facial muscles pull and push “just-so“ for maximum dramatic-yet-unrealistic effect. Watching Avatar in 3-D helped to iron-out any small remaining imperfections in the animation – when you’re already viewing the film through tinted glasses that make even the living actors appear a little unreal, the CGI characters blend in seamlessly.

SPOILERS SPOILER SPOILERS

Overall, I think the most surprising thing about Avatar is that its ending manages to avert not one but two hugely ubiquitous plot devices. With the “rebirth” mechanic thrust down the audience’s throat well before the denouement you’d be forgiven for expecting the obvious cliché ending where our hero rescues his female love interest from the “big bad” by sacrificing himself in a noble and totally unnecessary manner.
Or at least having the good sense to be mortally wounded, requiring the final wish-fulfillment rebirth.

It’s just not to be. The female lead does indeed find herself in trouble during the final scenes. But she doesn’t require the heroes’ help at all – in fact it’s she that kills the final monster, saving Jake’s life in a pleasantly unexpected role-reversal.

Not content with usurping just one hackneyed climax, she then ruins any remaining self respect the hero clings to by preventing him from performing any sort of dramatic self-sacrifice at all. Jake tries as best he can, dropping dead from asphyxiation due to the actions of the now-dead villain, but Neytiri simply shrugs this off as boyish nonsense and promptly revives him, saving his life for a possibly unprecedented second time. I sense Sigourney Weaver again here, with another wry smile.

Hmm

2009-12-16T16:37:13Z

Beggar: *stops Casby*. "Excuse me mate, please don't hit me or anything."

(Beggar is holding a shopping bag and a mobile phone)

Casby: "Okay."

Beggar: "You see I've been in Croydon for three days now and I'm homeless, which is bad especially in *this* weather (points to sky)...so right listen I..."

(Beggar's mobile phone rings)

Beggar: "Hi! Oh hey Dave. Yeah...I'm in town!" (pause)

Casby: ....

Beggar: "Nah not seen Steve since we went out that night" (pause)

Casby: ....

Beggar: "Yeah right see you in the pub in like...'alf hour!" *click*

Casby: ....

Beggar: "...oh so yeah right can you spare me a pound I need a ticket to get home and this weather is awful, gotta get a train quick!"

Casby: ....

Beggar: ....

Casby: "....I don't have any change sorry."

(Beggar shrugs and walks off in the opposite direction to the train station, towards the pub...)

-_-

Alice Cooper!!!

2009-07-20T20:25:17Z

(No, I don't have it.....YET):

Confused
Advice
My blood
Like ice
One sneeze
Could kill
Pigs one
Us nilllllllllllllllllllllllllll

I want to go out but I better not
Touch (dont touch)
I want to hold you but the TV
Tells me to stop
I want to kiss you but you're pregnant
Too Much (too much?)
I want to exist but I'm scared
Of venomous Swine Flu

There's Swine Flu running through your veins
There's Swine Flu
H1 N1 pig-type strains

Your brow
So hot
The web
Helps not
I'm scared
Bed wet
Both hands
All sweatttttttttttttttttttttttt

Can't find a GP to get needles
And pins (vaccine)
Go to the doctors just to have them
barring my name
Keep washing my hands but
It's under my skin (deep in)
I want to exist but I'm scared
Of venomous Swine Flu

Pan-de-mic (complicated name)
There's Swine Flu
H1 N1 pig-type strains

Swine Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
One sneeze, could kill
Pigs 1, us nillllllllllllllllll

The BBC says that we're going to
die (to die)
The government says that they'll be an
"Excess of deaths"
Booked a holiday but they won't let me
Fly (big risk)
I want to do things but the air
Is venomous Swine Flu

There's Swine Flu oinking through my veins
There's Swine Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
In mostly harmless deadly strains

SWINE FLUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

The hotline doctor said I better not
Touch (dont touch)
I should be working but the news man
Tells me to stop
Sneezing instructions say I'm blowing too
Much (too much)

I'm filled of worry cos the world
Is tami-less Swine Flu
"Mostly" mild symptom strains
Swine Flu, oh no!
Runnin deep inside your veins
Burnin deep inside my veins
Its Swine Flu

I don't wanna use my brains
Swine Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...........................

Short story...

2009-07-10T00:54:15Z

Once upon a time there was a Casby who lived in a house.

Said the Casby – this house has no insects and this is generally a good thing. And there was much happiness and eating of marshmallows.

Behold one Spring morning, when the Casby did find in his living room a brown beetle who had not technically been invited for breakfast.

Lo! Said the Casby. You are a brown beetle and this is most disturbing.

Please, said the beetle. I am not an insect for killing or disposing of in horrific fashion. I am a nice pootling beetle who begs mercy and wishes only to be on his merry way.

The Casby did furrow his brow and ponder the beetle’s plea. Very well beetle. Being nice and non-flying without such sounds as buzz and zip you are not my enemy. And the Casby did let the beetle pootle and it did pootle.

Behold one Spring night, when Casby did awake feeling much pain and itch and rage.

Argh! He did say, but not in the piratical sense at all of Arr, more Ungh where one is greatly vexed at a thing unpleasant.

And the Casby did bolt from his bed and with much itching leg and saw he an odd insect that buzzed and zipped and appeared as a moth mixed with mosquito from hell.

Grr. Said the Casby. You are a moth mixed with mosquito and have bitten me. I am much a-raged.

What say you, mosquito-moth?

Ha! I am a moth-mosquito that does buzz and zip and I shall not answer to you, the Casby.

Moth-mosquitoes are being of a proud defiant race who shall not beg or plead or pootle for your amusement.

Great was the Casby’s anger. The moth-mosquito and the Casby did battle fiercely and as dawn broke the moth-mosquito was muchly dead and splattered in several distinct locations. Such was the wrath of the Casby.

You have taunted and defied me and thus there shall be a doom upon all your kind, moth-mosquito. Never shall the Casby rest while there are sisters of your ilk buzzing and zipping about my home.

And so, for many a day, there was a moth-mosquito and Casby war fought vehemently, apparently on both sides. As many a moth-mosquito was destroyed, so was there a bite upon the Casby that did pain and itch, bringing much increase to the Casby’s rage.

I hate moth-mosquitoes! Said the Casby, even as his mercy paid conscience to his heart leading to much moth-mosquito capture and releases as a less murderous solution to annihilating his mortal enemy.

Moth-mosquitoes found before bedtime, or after a bite, were instantly killed. There would be no mercy for culprits of bites on the leg or arm and on one horrific morning – on the right hand which caused much worry for the fate of the Casby’s fingers and enormous pain for several long dark days.

The moth-mosquitoes, as were now less numerous from either deaths or captures and releases, became less visible. The Casby grew more calm, as for one long summer month no weekly bites nor buzzing and zipping were heard across the home.

Lo! The ceasefire it was broken. A fine summer morning, and the Casby did awake at six am in agony from a bite on his left hand, this being the hand with which left-handed people do things of which the Casby was one.

ARGH! Did the Casby scream, being vexed beyond measure. Surely, I will destroy all moth-mosquitoes in this world to end my pain!

And the Casby did find and collect six moth-mosquitoes that day into one jar and hold them prisoner for the day while he worked with one hand unable to write or type in an office usually known for common writing or typing.

Fuelled by great hurt, the Casby did return home that day plotting to murder and do much harm. Determined to round up all culprits, he did toss up-side his bed and cupboards and desks,
desperate to discover more moth-mosquitoes that did displeasure him so.

Aha! Said the Casby as he did check the region of his mattress closest to where his left hand had been the previous painful night.

You! Another proud, disrespectful moth-mosquito that does buzz and zip and generally nuisance herself before causing great pain to me. You shall die worstest for your insolence this day!
Preened the moth-mosquito. You, the Casby, have killed many and captured and released others of my kind. You can do no greater harm to me now – I do weep for those who have died by your hand and even further for those in your jar captured to meet a worse fate. Kill me if you will, for I am proud and do buzz and zip and despise you with all my heart. You are an awful fool, the Casby.

The Casby did pause. A fool you call me? At the moment of death you still are proud and buzz and zip and defile my home, and fool you call me?

The moth-mosquito did nod and laugh an insane, lamenting laugh of despair.

Yes. You are a fool. We moth-mosquitoes are also. There be a wiser enemy than ourselves who hath brought war to this home for so long a time. All for nothing. This I have discovered today, and as sacrifice of myself I have waited here to show you the truth of our rage.

And the moth-mosquito did point at a pootling brown beetle not one arm length from his general position.

Gasped the Casby – you are the pootling brown beetle! What say you? Why be here where there is war and calamity and danger. You I freed to pootle on your pleading and respectful way that does not buzz and zip and make nuisance of yourself.

Fool! The moth-mosquito did laugh before the pootling beetle could silence her or escape far far away. That brown beetle does not buzz or zip or look fearsome as I do, but make nuisance and be vile it most known for is. That be not a pootling beetle. A bed bug have caused our catastrophe!

The Casby did furrow his brow and (with help from the wise moth-mosquito) did Wikipedia “bed bug“.

Eep! The Casby did eep as a bed bug picture did perfectly match the brown pootling beetle who seemed so sweet and pootling at the time long long ago.

‘Sup – the brown beetle did say, now blushing with mixed fear and amusement, having brought such great pain and monstrous anger to the Casby and moth-mosquitoes.

And so, there followed much searching and checking and relief as thankfully no nests or traces or other brown beetles were found. A trial, being held before both the Casby and the surviving moth-mosquitoes was held, with toy ducks and other plastic figures in attendance to witness this momentous event.

The motive – blood. The cause – a chance pootle that did have the fortunately male non egg-laying beetle find itself about the Casby’s belongings, alone and transported to a new home beside Casby’s bed.

The plea – guilty, with much hissing and venom and no further deception of begging, respect or pootling. If the bed bug had means to buzz and zip that day most certainly it would have, such was its spiteful glee.

The verdict unnecessary, the sentence – death. A Poetic end to the war as the Casby did furrow his brow and weigh the beetle against his debt to the wailing mosquitoes, such guilt and regret upon him.

Beetle – nay – bed bug, you hath harmed so many and angered so far that no life or mercy shall be granted to you. As small compensation for their troubles, you bed bug shall be placed in the capture jar with these surviving moth-mosquitoes, who will at their leisure then carry out the sentence.

Argh! The bed bug did exclaim as dropped he was into a jar of rabid mosquitoes who did quite properly do him great harm and death.

Said the Casby – moth-mosquitoes, who are clearly such quite moth but perhaps not quite so much mosquito now that I look closer and think about it properly, you are all free to depart. If I shall find a sister of your kind here with a buzz and a zip I shall capture and remove but never kill again for that is not a very nice thing.

Farewell the Casby, did the moths-sort-of-but-probably-not-mosquitoes say as all but one departed.

I’m sorry I called you a fool, the final, brave whistle-blower sort-of-moth did say.

That is quite alright, sort-of-moth. The Casby he has learned a lesson and if a bite were ever to happen again no further rage shall be directed at those of your sisters. My guilt is great, this I shall live with and learn from. Wikipedia is quite good.

Yes. Quite good. And the moth then did leave with some happiness having saved many captured friends and family.

The End

Here we go again...

2007-06-27T13:21:44Z

Criminal Justice and Immigration Bill

PART 6

CRIMINAL LAW

Pornography etc.

64 Possession of extreme pornographic images

(1) It is an offence for a person to be in possession of an extreme pornographic image.

(2) An “extreme pornographic image” is an image which is both—

(a) pornographic, and

(b) an extreme image.

(3) An image is “pornographic” if it appears to have been produced solely or principally for the purpose of sexual arousal.

(4) Where an image forms part of a series of images, the question whether the image appears to have been so produced is to be determined by reference to—

(a) the image itself, and

(b) (if the series of images is such as to be capable of providing a context for the image) the context in which it occurs in the series of images.

(5) So, for example, where—

(a) an image forms an integral part of a narrative constituted by a series of images, and

(b) it appears that the series of images as a whole was not produced solely or principally for the purpose of sexual arousal, the image may, by virtue of being part of that narrative, be found not to be pornographic, even though it might have been found to be pornographic if taken by itself.

(6) An “extreme image” is an image of any of the following—

(a) an act which threatens or appears to threaten a person’s life,

(b) an act which results in or appears to result (or be likely to result) in serious injury to a person’s anus, breasts or genitals,

(c) an act which involves or appears to involve sexual interference with a human corpse,

(d) a person performing or appearing to perform an act of intercourse or oral sex with an animal, where (in each case) any such act, person or animal depicted in the image is or appears to be real.

(7) In this section “image” means—

(a) a moving or still image (produced by any means); or

(b) data (stored by any means) which is capable of conversion into an image within paragraph (a).

(8) In this section references to a part of the body include references to a part surgically constructed (in particular through gender reassignment surgery).

(9) Proceedings for an offence under this section may not be instituted—

(a) in England and Wales, except by or with the consent of the Director of Public Prosecutions; or

(b) in Northern Ireland, except by or with the consent of the Director of Public Prosecutions for Northern Ireland.

65 Exclusion of classified films etc.

(1) Section 64 does not apply to excluded images.
(2) An “excluded image” is an image which forms part of a series of images contained in a recording of the whole or part of a classified work.

(3) But such an image is not an “excluded image” if—

(a) it is contained in a recording of an extract from a classified work, and
(b) it appears that the image was extracted (whether with or without other images) solely or principally for the purpose of sexual arousal.

(4) Where an extracted image is one of a series of images contained in the recording, the question whether the image appears to have been extracted as mentioned in subsection (3)(b) is to be determined by reference to—

(a) the image itself, and

(b) (if the series of images is such as to be capable of providing a context for the image) the context in which it occurs in the series of images;
and section 64(5) applies in connection with determining that question as it applies in connection with determining whether an image is pornographic.

(5) In determining for the purposes of this section whether a recording is a recording of the whole or part of a classified work, any alteration attributable

to—

(a) a defect caused for technical reasons or by inadvertence on the part of any person,

or

(b) the inclusion in the recording of any extraneous material (such as advertisements), is to be disregarded.

(6) Nothing in this section is to be taken as affecting any duty of a designated authority to have regard to section 64 (along with other enactments creating criminal offences) in determining whether a video work is suitable for a classification certificate to be issued in respect of it.

(7) In this section —

“classified work” means (subject to subsection (8)) a video work in respect
of which a classification certificate has been issued by a designated
authority (whether before or after the commencement of this section);
“classification certificate” and “video work” have the same meanings as in the Video Recordings Act 1984 (c. 39);“designated authority” means an authority which has been designated by the Secretary of State under section 4 of that Act; “extract” includes an extract consisting of a single image; “image” and “pornographic” have the same meanings as in section 64; “recording” means any disc, tape or other device capable of storing data electronically and from which images may be produced (by any means).

(8) Section 22(3) of the Video Recordings Act 1984 (effect of alterations) applies for the purposes of this section as it applies for the purposes of that Act.

66 Defence

(1) Where a person is charged with an offence under section 64, it is a defence for the person to prove any of the matters mentioned in subsection (2).

(2) The matters are—

(a) that the person had a legitimate reason for being in possession of the image concerned;

(b) that the person had not seen the image concerned and did not know, nor had any cause to suspect, it to be an extreme pornographic image;

(c) that the person—

(i) was sent the image concerned without any prior request having been made by or on behalf of the person, and

(ii) did not keep it for an unreasonable time.

(3) In this section “extreme pornographic image” and “image” have the same meanings as in section 64.

67 Penalties etc. for possession of extreme pornographic images

(1) This section has effect where a person is guilty of an offence under section 64.

(2) Except where subsection (3) applies to the offence, the offender is liable—

(a) on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding the relevant period or a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum or both;

(b) on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 3 years or a fine or both.

(3) If the offence relates to an image that does not depict any act within section 64(6)(a) or (b), the offender is liable—

(a) on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding the relevant period or a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum or both;

(b) on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 2 years or a fine or both.

(4) In subsection (2)(a) or (3)(a) “the relevant period” means—

(a) in relation to England and Wales, 12 months;

(b) in relation to Northern Ireland, 6 months.

(5) In Schedule 3 to the Sexual Offences Act 2003 (c. 42) (sexual offences in respect of which an offender becomes subject to the notification requirements of Part 2), after paragraph 35 insert— “35A - An offence under section 64 of the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2007 (possession of extreme pornographic images) if the offender—

(a) was 18 or over, and

(b) is sentenced in respect of the offence to imprisonment for a
term of at least 2 years.”

(6) In subsection (5) the reference to Schedule 3 to the Sexual Offences Act 2003 is a reference to that Schedule as it applies in relation to England and Wales and Northern Ireland.

Quick Info

2007-05-17T12:20:03Z

Pointing out to anybody within textshot that Transformers the Movie is being shown at the West End Apollo Theatre in London until Thursday 24th May (it's already been showing for a week). Times are 1:30pm and 6:30pm.

I'll be going a few times in the evening with friends and my brother. If anyone wants to come along then let me know or just appear randomly.

This is pretty much the only time this is ever going to happen, what with the new film arriving in July.

2007 Budget - quick note

2007-03-22T14:29:31Z

Low income earners. Let's take one as an example. Say they earn £8,000 per year.

OLD SYSTEM:

£8,000 - £5,035 allowance = £2,965

£2,965 - £2,150 (10% tax band) = £815

£815/100 x 22 = £179.30 tax to pay, plus £215 from the 10% band above, = £394.30 tax.

NEW SYSTEM:

£8,000 - £5,035 allowance = £2,965

10% tax band abolished.

£2,965/100 x 20 = £593.00 tax.

O.O

How does this simplification help the poor? Tax Credits are a joke. The basic tax threshold will need to be raised considerably higher if the new budget is wanting to help out those most in need of tax reductions.

My Laptop > Reality

2007-03-16T15:39:05Z

My faithful IBM Thinkpad 240, a.k.a. the USS Defiant, with its outdated 300mhz processor and 64MB RAM was drowned in 3 feet of near-boiling water for over 7 minutes yesterday evening.

Spluttering and soaked, first the mouse control went haywire, then the keyboard failed, next a bluescreen appeared displaying "Memory Parity Failure" (i.e. "Casby...my mind is going...") and finally the whole thing fell ominously silent.

When tipped on its side, the unfortunate computer released at least a full cupfull of water (I was disappointed not to discover a fish, or at least a tadpole).

It could not be resuscitated.

Thankfully, I am a firm believer that any physcial problem can be solved by taking a broken object apart, staring at and poking it in a manner vaguely imitating repair, before reassembling it minus the occasional screw (or bolt, silver widget, processor, etc).

Despite physics and all laws of probability, the Thinkpad has made a full recovery, suspending preliminary funeral plans and extending its life beyond the past 7 years, which in itself is remarkable given how many times the poor thing has been dropped, thrown or lost on the hills of Scotland.

At first it smoked and whirred threateningly. Then it actually powered up, then it beeped continuously, then it beeped less-than-continuously while the LCD display impersonated the opening credits of the Matrix, then it actually managed to load BIOS.

Upon awakening, it believed itself to have travelled back in time to midnight on the the 1st January 1901 (possibly where it was repaired by a middle-aged Nikola Tesla before being catapulated back to the present at 88mhz from a convenient clock tower electricution)

I corrected the error. Huzzah, it's aliveeeee!

p.s. How did a laptop find itself in three feet of hot water in the first place? I could tell you, but it would break several points of the official secrets act :D

p.p.s. Yes, I know the laptop is crappy. My real computer is far more powerful, and this little Thinkpad is used only for transporting files and - apparently - acting as an inneffective floatation device for sneaky Mallard assassins hired by undercover Luddites.

All your Revenge is Belong to Me

2006-11-17T15:28:24Z

Heh.

Scored a minor but not insignificant final point against my former employer. My contract required my boss to give me a week's notice, even when on probation.

Score!

It would have been more impressive to have been able to pass his "release" letter back to him yesterday and explain that he had just broken his own company policy on probation (especially after he spent a while "explaining" that he knew EVERYTHING about management and business), but oh well. Perhaps in ten years time I'll remember that this was what really happened, and tell tall tales around the campfire about the time I was fired on the grounds of excessive integrity.

My track record in employment is slowly becoming fascinatingly bizarre. So far I've:

1) Been kidnapped by a fellow staff member
2) Been promoted while working under terms that forbade promotion
3) Been forced to exit a workplace because a collegue refused to stop sitting on my work
4) Been stunned by a mid-flight Sparrow
5) Been warned not to exercise the full abilities of my memory
6) Resigned because I didn't want to bankrupt a business
7) Spent 6 months watching pornography to judge its legality
8) Received a commission from the Queen
9) Been offered a job, then told it no longer existed
10) Sorted letters for Santa while relocating a colony of butterflies

and now this.

Anyway, I'll be paid to the 23rd. Kewl beans, now there will be barely any break at all between this old job and the new one (not to mention a shiny extra few £100).

This has all been a very good refresher in full time employment and preparation for the Home Office job.

Update

2006-11-17T00:48:15Z

Okay, I went with option 2.

I expressed my concerns. I made no accusations. I made it clear that given my responsibilities, I felt that I needed to be brought up to speed with the records I was concerned about before I felt confident performing my required duties.

Following further discussions throughout the day, I met with my Director and was handed notice of immediate dismissal (in my opinion this is perfectly proper, since I had not yet been employed for one month and was effectively still on probation).

I was actually in the process of drafting my resignation at the time. I would have got in first but I didn't have a printer :)

If the response to my concerns had been to provide me with the records I requested (for my own peace of mind) or to explain that there were good reasons for their non-existence (such as the points made in the previous post about contract requirements) then I would have been satisfied and apologised for pressing people so hard for the info.

However, this is not what happened and so essentially my boss and I reached a point where we wouldn't be able to reconcile our different approaches to the business.

I'm not going to express any personal opinion about the company, or this turn of events. I still do not know whether the matter I voiced concern over is in fact fine, since I did not find out enough information regarding it before I was released. There really was no ill-feeling involved in the release - we both agreed to disagree and parted company.

On the up-side, I've always had a reserve offer hanging with the Home Office for the whole time I have been working at the other company. So don't worry, cos today's events have simply solved the second dilemma I had about whether or not to switch jobs :)

Casby the extremely relieved ghost

Business

2006-11-16T17:37:11Z

This is my (slightly simplified) understanding of employer/employee procedure:

1. Staff = Contract signed between employer and employee. Employee offered a pay rate per year/month/week/day/or even hour. Employee rights and duties outlined. Employee added to Payroll, which links to PAYE covering National Insurance and Income Tax.

2. Third Parties (i.e. consultants) = Contract agreed. The consultant *may* need to consent to conditions such as arrival/departure times, hours, duties, etc. However, the consultant is not bound in any way by the employer except through the obvious fact that if they do not perform certain tasks, they will not receive money. The third party performs services or supplies goods, then invoices the employer, then receives payment with a remittance advice that clearly states to the third party that it is their responsibility to deal with Tax/NI. A VAT number MUST also be present, otherwise how else would the third party reclaim/declare VAT properly?

So, to summarise:

1. Contract, payslip, employer declaration via PAYE, wages, record on payroll.
2. Contract (can be verbal), invoice, remittance, money, recorded as employer expense on purchase ledger or similar.

Am I wrong? :/

Dilemma

2006-11-16T12:23:52Z

Okay, this is pretty serious. Responses will be appreciated.

Imagine that there is a job which involves working for a small company in a fairly high-level position. Assume that the job includes managing a team currently composed of 4 staff.

The job holder attempts to make sense of the records, both relating to an educational project and the overall finances.

Thanks to a bit of investigation, the job holder comes to the conclusion that as far as they can see, no one on his/her team of 4 workers is:

Contracted to work for the company
On the staff payroll
Paying Income Tax/National Insurance/anything else at all

Now, bear in mind that this is not the fault of the team members at all. In fact, two of them are extremely vehement that they do not want to be involved in ANY "dodgy" activities, since doing so might very well cost them their leave to remain in the UK.

So okay, what should the job holder do about this? Now that he/she suspects something is going on, if he/she does nothing then he/she might be liable to prosecution if their worst fears turn out to be true.

The situation is made even worse by the fact that the team are having their salaries paid by a higher-up, more official agency who will want to fully audit the company records very soon to make sure everything is being done properly. The job holder has about 10 days before there is a very good chance of the agency questioning the discrepancy (i.e. they will ask him/her and he/she will be required to tell them and then face the consequences), so the job holder will need to act now or become an accessory if anything dodgy is taking place.

Any thoughts? The job holder could:

1) Do nothing and hope for the best!
2) Confront the Director!
3) Call HMR&C!
4) Become a criminal!
5) Run for it!
6) Wake up from the nightmare!

I know I don't post much anymore, but I thought this might be interesting to talk about and will at least serve as some manner of official dated record ;)

Casby the dilemmaed ghost

Escher in my life

2006-08-26T16:59:53Z

The world is a strange place...

"Escher Reality"

The Longest Day

2006-05-30T05:31:58Z

Well, I got my computer working again :)

Many many MANY thanks to Sarah for an OS and useful tips. I managed to paint myself into a corner when formatting the drives, but luckily am now out of that and in full possession of a working system which now even has a redundant emergency hard drive :) Yay!

Only one problem. I swore that I wouldn't go to sleep until the computer was fixed, and so I didn't.

It's now been 40 hours! :)

Now of course, any sane person would go to bed by this point, and leave the last few folder transfers and downloadds until this afternoon/evening. Sadly, Casby here has some dim recollection that in the year 2000 I stayed up for 52 hours without sleep, and since I am already not too far from that count now (for the first time in 6 years) I might as well try to go for my record and see what strange figments my wobbly imagination can throw at me, just for fun. I mean come on, it's only 12 more hours.

Or maybe I will just go to bed. So hard to decide! Grr.

Casby the indecisive ghost

p.s. I think indecision is a symptom of sleep deprivation

Computer Type Stuff

2006-05-23T19:59:02Z

Maybe this is a meme. Myabe this is a cry for help. Maybe something in-between :)

Okay, my computer died. It was a god computer as well. It let me do very complex 3D type things and stored masses of files and documents which of course I neglected to back up.

I haven't actually lost that much, since the majority of the contents of my computer are also held on my laptop and a modest selection of pen drives.

This does not mean however that I won't be spending at least a full week on relocatign and reinstalling the various bits and pieces of what I have lost, which is a daunting project to say the least.

I believe the problem with my computer is its hard drive. This is mostly because no matter how many times I throw the hard drive against the wall, it still refuses to work. Poking it with hacksaws and FIRE also yields negative results so far (I am yet to experiment with large stones or tossing it from bridges) but I continue to hold out hope that eventually the thing will just magically work or I will find a data recovery program which does not require being (a) incredibly rich or (b) C3PO.

I should have read the warning signs and taken action. Losing a file or two when simply moving them between folders is never a good thing, nor is the computer protesting that it cannot defragment your drive anymore than it could a landmine victim.

He's dead Jim.

Anyway, in the spirit of ambivalence that semi-catastrophic events tend to generate, I hearby list the grand collection of Things That Casby Doesn't Understand about Computers, since knowing a few of these tidbits may prevent my new Hard Drive from following in the fling-at-wall steps of its predecessor.

If anyone can answer some or all of the riddles below, then please reply to this with a vaguely English-sounding response showcasing your wisdom.

THE CASBY COMPUTER EXAM - Part 1A

(Complete as many questions as you can, but remember to show your working otherwise we will assume you divined the solutions via unholy mysticism and therefore must never progress to College).

(1) RAM - DDR and DDR2 are different. Discuss.

(2) Person A (let's call him "Casby") looks at his BIOS. It tells him that his RAM is 1GB/166MHZ. Is this a random flaw in his BIOS, or does RAM actually have a 166MHZ speed (as opposed to the nice 400MHZ and 800MZH speeds?)? If Casby's RAM is indeed 166MHZ, then isn't this crap, meaning Casby was ripped off when he first bought his computer?

(3) RAID is something to do with Hard Drives. What the hell does it mean?

(4) Dual and Single Channel DDR RAM stuff means something. Discuss.

(5) SATA and ATA cables are different. To install a SATA drive on your computer, fiddly things must first be done. What are these fiddly things?

(6) When you buy a new Hard Drive, the instruction manual states that all you need to do is plug it in and have a CD ready in the CD/DVD Drive (Window XP Installation Disk works better here than the first season of the A-Team) for all to be well. This is a lie.

What other action must be taken in order to prevent the Motherboard from audiably emitting "muh?" and refusing to acknowledge that your new Hard Drive exists?

(7) If someone wishes to buy Windows XP and Microsoft Office, because the versions they had were stolen from gerbils late one Tuesday night, then that someone will need to walk into PC World and pay the sum total of Their Life Savings + £500 Idiot Tax. If the person cannot afford this fee, then they are too poor to own a computer. Is this true or false?

If false, state a reason (in the format of: Address, pickup date/time, how many shady trenchcoat to wear and whether or not the product originates from Russia).

You have 3 Hours.

Casby the invigilating ghost

casby @ 2006-05-06T17:36:00

2006-05-06T16:41:55Z

Blerg.

Hmm. Being sociable and in the real world appears to make Casbys ill. Grr.

I feel deaded. Going to have some sleep. Really want to go to the Sarah & Bat housecooling thingy, but am unable to summon the energy. I think when I spend nights away from home I lose hit points and need to recharge them regularly or I lose a life.

Incidentally, I will be attending Catriona's party thingy on the 13th, which happens to also be the day before my birthday. She didn't post about it, but basically if you hate Catriona you should still come to the party if you like me! :) That way we get more guests.

Ardgour in Pictures

2006-05-04T14:12:56Z

The West

Starring Marcus and Sally (I think)

Silly Post

2006-05-03T13:44:51Z

I was searching through the Ardgour galleries and saving a few of the entries. Something odd happened when I ran a picture of Catriona through Paint Shop Pro, it reminded me of collectible card game illustrations, and so I ended up with this:

Ardgour in Pictures

2006-05-03T11:16:59Z

Corran by night.

Odd Shopping Trends

2006-05-02T15:20:46Z

Morrisons in London appear to have employed a new product marketing manager. This item was purchased from the dog and cat food aisle.

I am now attempting to upload photos so that I might display them on LJ. Am I correct in remembering that some people objected to public photos? I used to do that a lot, so I understand completely if such objections are made. My photos always come out very strange. The combination of a very old children's camera and uppity scanner make for some bizarre, dreamlike results. I will post some up soon.

Casby the friendly ghost

Holiday No More

2006-04-30T15:10:56Z

Oh well.

This is just a quick experiment to see if Livejounral still remembers who I am :)

I have been a hermit for oh so long now, and am presently struggling between continuing this Casby revolution of living in the actual world or slipping back into a small cavern in London.

Must. Do. Former.

Once photos exist I will post them somewhere, perhaps also with a brief account of holidaying events. For now however, like most people who vanished into the Highlands I am winding down, unpacking, and feeling generally odd at the culture shock of it all.

Anyway, at least I wrote something! Yay!

Casby the friendly ghost

p.s. (puts on Yoda-voice) Very aware of Eve-related events I am, yes. My intergalactic network of Bothans, remarkably efficient, it remains, hmmmmmmm. Though startled am I by what has transpired between late March and now also jubilant I am, and optimistic. Designed seems the universe to generate Luke Skywalkers when absolutely necessary, and look forward to the following two months I will - though count my supernannys, until they've flown, I will not, yes.

casby @ 2006-02-09T15:06:00

2006-02-09T15:10:07Z

Is there anyone out there at all who knows what has happened to Eve? I have tried contacting her and there has been no reply. There is nothing on Livejournal either, and the last I heard Eve had returned to the UK on Monday and had spoken with RG that morning.

casby @ 2006-01-05T15:02:00

2006-01-05T15:02:38Z

Your Social Dysfunction:
Schizotypal

You display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

Request

2005-12-17T15:47:50Z

Could someone who is nice and fluffy please do me a quick favour?

When I left my place in Cam I was waiting on two parcels. If someone briefly visits my front door to see if there is anything on the doorstep with my name on it, and collects small parcels which do, I will be very grateful and shall reward you handsomely.

Casby the reawrding ghost

Test

2005-12-10T12:44:20Z

Androgynous
You scored 63 masculinity and 73 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong
personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 51% on masculinity
You scored higher than 83% on femininity

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test